happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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