sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
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I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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