Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
false alarm, still single
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