...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
