I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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