9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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