...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
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Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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