Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
