I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
