i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
