I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
