wanna go halves on a baby?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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