I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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