Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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