apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
