Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
