If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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