the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
