those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
