She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
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The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
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I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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