guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
