Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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