yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
