just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
