I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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