Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
