Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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