I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
