How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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