I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I am midnight drunk by noon
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
