u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
