dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
