She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I didn't shave. On purpose
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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