when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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