Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
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is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
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The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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