I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I look better un-naked...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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