I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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