1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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