remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
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Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
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im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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