He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
