I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
