It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
