I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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