You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
