i just sent this text using only my big toe
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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