wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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