The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
