I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i drank out of a bidet.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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