don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
