I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
