And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
