He is an equal opportunity slut.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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