First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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