I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
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Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
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I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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