i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
