You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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