I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
