Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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