Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I need water and some morals
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
